Not being heard

Telling your partner your depression is suffocating you and that you can’t take it anymore, and them proceeding to watch funny videos even after you sent them webpages to help with the warning signs and how to help when someone is asking for help. I guess sitting next to me after I said something makes him feel like he is helping . Makes me feel like he not only doesn’t understand but isn’t willing to learn and just doesn’t give a f**k, but when I speak up I’m the bad guys, because how can he know?!?! Oh, I don’t know I’ve been telling you and sending you reading material and telling you how your reactions are making me feel…. and people wonder why I think all relationships have an end date for me…

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The riots

The screams

The burning in my chest

Thumping in my heart

I cant hear me

Or see where I’m going

All i see is the present

holding on to the past

Im screaming

But no one but i can hear it

I can barely hear me

Im burning from within

A fever so high

It’s catching fire

Im on fire

There is no amount of water to douse me out

I am flames licking the air

Reaching high to the sky

Spreading my smoke to All around

So they can also choke

I make the sky black

So it can look like my insides

So the world can see the fall

The Destruction in me

The whirlwind of me

The destruction that is me

I cant be saved

I cant be contained

And i can never be controlled

I am a wild heart

A wild fire that will never stop

Why I haven’t posted in a bit

I am in a bipolar depression, and I mean the bad kind where everything makes you cry, and you feel so alone it hurts. My S.O doesn’t get it. I’ve asked him to read about the disorder and send him articles, I don’t think he reads them. I’m depressed self medication with some alcohol although I don’t drink and have years without doing so. You know what my S.O is doing? He is inside “giving me space” I told him I want to die, again the reply was for him to start doing yard work and when he was done he went inside. So I have no support. Don’t worry guys I have no plans of hurting myself just needed to put this out here because I’m not the only one who feels like this.

What this is about

I made this blog because having bipolar or bipolar 2 are very lonely disorder/illness. Not everyone around you understands, heck some days I don’t understand. It will put a strain on most relationships.

I lucked out and have a great mom that accepts me as I am, and I do have a partner right now that’s trying. But I can’t go to my mom with details of how I feel she’s my mother first and will be worried. Why cause her distress when I can avoid it. I tried talking to my bf but I felt I left him confused and with a lot to think about.

I have no one to talk to about what I go through that just understands. That can listen without try to “help”. I end up searching the web for anything that talks about people going through the same thing. Just reading it makes me feel less alone. Makes me feel normal, well as normal I can be. Others are going through the same thing and they are ok. I haven’t found a support group, but to be honest I’m not good at sharing my feeling especially not in a group setting.

So this blog is my diary, my journal. How I feel about something at the moment. My poetry, whatever is going through my mind at the moment. just writing this feels like a weight lifted of my shoulders. So with all that said, the point is for me to express and share how I feel, and if I’m so luck to get a view that maybe it helps that person feel less alone too.

Lost spaces of time

It’s really scary not really being in your own head.

Like things happen and I know something is wrong

But I can’t put the story together as to how I go there

When did this happen

How long have I been lost for?

I feel so alone.

I may have people around me

But they don’t understand

They have their own side of this

A picture destroyed by actions

A flutter of a moment

And then it becomes harder

Harder than before to see me

My side doesn’t make so much sense

And more explanation are needed

But how can I explain something

I barely understand

I don’t know what’s going on either

I’m just feeling sad and dejected

Love and bipolar

You know what’s the worse thing about having bipolar?

Knowing that most relationships have a time limit.

A point of when the other person is done with you

They don’t understand you

They don’t believe you

They don’t know the difference between you and your bipolar

They don’t understand that sometimes they are the same person

They don’t understand how strongly we feel

How much we hurt

People say well you’ve hurt me

Guess that means I deserve to be hurt back

I’ve always known

That I would end up alone

I was completely fine with that

Until I met the person I thought would be there for ever and ever

But fairy tales are just that

Tales of things we broken people don’t have access to

So I will content myself with broken,alone, but at least free of judgement

Everyone says take your meds

But those that say that don’t know how we feel when we take them

Besides feeling sick constantly and the memory problems it causes

It makes me feel like someone else

Like the world is telling me I’m defective and need meds to help

This is my life, I might as well get use to it.

Bipolar

Bi-polar
2 little hyphenated words
It doesn’t take away from who I am
It does show sides that even I dont like
I cant always recognize myself
But bi-polar is a part of me
Yet it doesn’t define me

I am still me inside
Yet I am constantly judged by it
I am made to feel like a reject
Like my friendship doesn’t matter
Because i am not good enough

But I am good enough
my disorder makes me cranky
And sometimes mean
And although I dont mean it
I understand it still hurts
So i try to make amens
But its never enough

And yet again I am pushed aside
Bi-polar doesn’t take away from my feelings
It actually intensifies them
So when I dont feel accepted
Or that I’m worth taking a chance for
It shatters me from the inside out.

I could prove that i am good enough
If only I was given a chance
My compassion has no limits
My friends lack for nothing if i can help it
I keep secrets to the grave
And never judge anyone

But when the bipolar hits
Im no longer good enough again
So I have resigned myself
to the few friends i have
And that not many people
Will be added to my life

But I am good enough
My disorder doesn’t define me
I define me.

Dont feel sorry for my struggles
I feel sorry for you
And your lack of compassion
Of acceptance
Of being a good person

My heart is big
And my love is pure
But sometimes i turn cold
To not be burned anymore.

Nothing will ever define me
No one will ever define me.
I define me.

By unknown(me)