Tag: Journal

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LivingInBlue3 Comments

The riots

The screams

The burning in my chest

Thumping in my heart

I cant hear me

Or see where I’m going

All i see is the present

holding on to the past

Im screaming

But no one but i can hear it

I can barely hear me

Im burning from within

A fever so high

It’s catching fire

Im on fire

There is no amount of water to douse me out

I am flames licking the air

Reaching high to the sky

Spreading my smoke to All around

So they can also choke

I make the sky black

So it can look like my insides

So the world can see the fall

The Destruction in me

The whirlwind of me

The destruction that is me

I cant be saved

I cant be contained

And i can never be controlled

I am a wild heart

A wild fire that will never stop

What this is about

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I made this blog because having bipolar or bipolar 2 are very lonely disorder/illness. Not everyone around you understands, heck some days I don’t understand. It will put a strain on most relationships.

I lucked out and have a great mom that accepts me as I am, and I do have a partner right now that’s trying. But I can’t go to my mom with details of how I feel she’s my mother first and will be worried. Why cause her distress when I can avoid it. I tried talking to my bf but I felt I left him confused and with a lot to think about.

I have no one to talk to about what I go through that just understands. That can listen without try to “help”. I end up searching the web for anything that talks about people going through the same thing. Just reading it makes me feel less alone. Makes me feel normal, well as normal I can be. Others are going through the same thing and they are ok. I haven’t found a support group, but to be honest I’m not good at sharing my feeling especially not in a group setting.

So this blog is my diary, my journal. How I feel about something at the moment. My poetry, whatever is going through my mind at the moment. just writing this feels like a weight lifted of my shoulders. So with all that said, the point is for me to express and share how I feel, and if I’m so luck to get a view that maybe it helps that person feel less alone too.

Bipolar

LivingInBlueLeave a comment

Bi-polar
2 little hyphenated words
It doesn’t take away from who I am
It does show sides that even I dont like
I cant always recognize myself
But bi-polar is a part of me
Yet it doesn’t define me

I am still me inside
Yet I am constantly judged by it
I am made to feel like a reject
Like my friendship doesn’t matter
Because i am not good enough

But I am good enough
my disorder makes me cranky
And sometimes mean
And although I dont mean it
I understand it still hurts
So i try to make amens
But its never enough

And yet again I am pushed aside
Bi-polar doesn’t take away from my feelings
It actually intensifies them
So when I dont feel accepted
Or that I’m worth taking a chance for
It shatters me from the inside out.

I could prove that i am good enough
If only I was given a chance
My compassion has no limits
My friends lack for nothing if i can help it
I keep secrets to the grave
And never judge anyone

But when the bipolar hits
Im no longer good enough again
So I have resigned myself
to the few friends i have
And that not many people
Will be added to my life

But I am good enough
My disorder doesn’t define me
I define me.

Dont feel sorry for my struggles
I feel sorry for you
And your lack of compassion
Of acceptance
Of being a good person

My heart is big
And my love is pure
But sometimes i turn cold
To not be burned anymore.

Nothing will ever define me
No one will ever define me.
I define me.

By unknown(me)