Telling your partner your depression is suffocating you and that you can’t take it anymore, and them proceeding to watch funny videos even after you sent them webpages to help with the warning signs and how to help when someone is asking for help. I guess sitting next to me after I said something makes him feel like he is helping . Makes me feel like he not only doesn’t understand but isn’t willing to learn and just doesn’t give a f**k, but when I speak up I’m the bad guys, because how can he know?!?! Oh, I don’t know I’ve been telling you and sending you reading material and telling you how your reactions are making me feel…. and people wonder why I think all relationships have an end date for me…
The burning in my chest
Thumping in my heart
I cant hear me
Or see where I’m going
All i see is the present
holding on to the past
But no one but i can hear it
I can barely hear me
Im burning from within
A fever so high
It’s catching fire
Im on fire
There is no amount of water to douse me out
I am flames licking the air
Reaching high to the sky
Spreading my smoke to All around
So they can also choke
I make the sky black
So it can look like my insides
So the world can see the fall
The Destruction in me
The whirlwind of me
The destruction that is me
I cant be saved
I cant be contained
And i can never be controlled
I am a wild heart
A wild fire that will never stop
I am in a bipolar depression, and I mean the bad kind where everything makes you cry, and you feel so alone it hurts. My S.O doesn’t get it. I’ve asked him to read about the disorder and send him articles, I don’t think he reads them. I’m depressed self medication with some alcohol although I don’t drink and have years without doing so. You know what my S.O is doing? He is inside “giving me space” I told him I want to die, again the reply was for him to start doing yard work and when he was done he went inside. So I have no support. Don’t worry guys I have no plans of hurting myself just needed to put this out here because I’m not the only one who feels like this.
I made this blog because having bipolar or bipolar 2 are very lonely disorder/illness. Not everyone around you understands, heck some days I don’t understand. It will put a strain on most relationships.
I lucked out and have a great mom that accepts me as I am, and I do have a partner right now that’s trying. But I can’t go to my mom with details of how I feel she’s my mother first and will be worried. Why cause her distress when I can avoid it. I tried talking to my bf but I felt I left him confused and with a lot to think about.
I have no one to talk to about what I go through that just understands. That can listen without try to “help”. I end up searching the web for anything that talks about people going through the same thing. Just reading it makes me feel less alone. Makes me feel normal, well as normal I can be. Others are going through the same thing and they are ok. I haven’t found a support group, but to be honest I’m not good at sharing my feeling especially not in a group setting.
So this blog is my diary, my journal. How I feel about something at the moment. My poetry, whatever is going through my mind at the moment. just writing this feels like a weight lifted of my shoulders. So with all that said, the point is for me to express and share how I feel, and if I’m so luck to get a view that maybe it helps that person feel less alone too.
It’s really scary not really being in your own head.
Like things happen and I know something is wrong
But I can’t put the story together as to how I go there
When did this happen
How long have I been lost for?
I feel so alone.
I may have people around me
But they don’t understand
They have their own side of this
A picture destroyed by actions
A flutter of a moment
And then it becomes harder
Harder than before to see me
My side doesn’t make so much sense
And more explanation are needed
But how can I explain something
I barely understand
I don’t know what’s going on either
I’m just feeling sad and dejected
You know what’s the worse thing about having bipolar?
Knowing that most relationships have a time limit.
A point of when the other person is done with you
They don’t understand you
They don’t believe you
They don’t know the difference between you and your bipolar
They don’t understand that sometimes they are the same person
They don’t understand how strongly we feel
How much we hurt
People say well you’ve hurt me
Guess that means I deserve to be hurt back
I’ve always known
That I would end up alone
I was completely fine with that
Until I met the person I thought would be there for ever and ever
But fairy tales are just that
Tales of things we broken people don’t have access to
So I will content myself with broken,alone, but at least free of judgement
Everyone says take your meds
But those that say that don’t know how we feel when we take them
Besides feeling sick constantly and the memory problems it causes
It makes me feel like someone else
Like the world is telling me I’m defective and need meds to help
This is my life, I might as well get use to it.
2 little hyphenated words
It doesn’t take away from who I am
It does show sides that even I dont like
I cant always recognize myself
But bi-polar is a part of me
Yet it doesn’t define me
I am still me inside
Yet I am constantly judged by it
I am made to feel like a reject
Like my friendship doesn’t matter
Because i am not good enough
But I am good enough
my disorder makes me cranky
And sometimes mean
And although I dont mean it
I understand it still hurts
So i try to make amens
But its never enough
And yet again I am pushed aside
Bi-polar doesn’t take away from my feelings
It actually intensifies them
So when I dont feel accepted
Or that I’m worth taking a chance for
It shatters me from the inside out.
I could prove that i am good enough
If only I was given a chance
My compassion has no limits
My friends lack for nothing if i can help it
I keep secrets to the grave
And never judge anyone
But when the bipolar hits
Im no longer good enough again
So I have resigned myself
to the few friends i have
And that not many people
Will be added to my life
But I am good enough
My disorder doesn’t define me
I define me.
Dont feel sorry for my struggles
I feel sorry for you
And your lack of compassion
Of being a good person
My heart is big
And my love is pure
But sometimes i turn cold
To not be burned anymore.
Nothing will ever define me
No one will ever define me.
I define me.