It’s been months

I know that I never finish what I start… EVER.

I had hoped that this would be different because I felt different. I thought it was different.

But it wasn’t. Not really. It’s was a time of personal growth but in the time I was suppose to discover things, I was falling into my spiral of emotional overload. I had moved to a new place. Started a relationship. Got screwed over by the person I moved to help…stopped working, got stressed, started having issues with my ptsd, got depressed, started eating my feelings.

I know what you’re thinking. Ok, big deal life happens to everyone. Which is true, life doesn’t discriminate. I guess I had a year before I even came here slowly going backwards. Being stressed and not fixing or talking about it. I tried taking my meds then I would stop,then I would start. Never ending story. I shouldn’t have moved or taken this responsibility. I did and here I am. So now I have to continue backwards and try to piece everything together right. The list is so long I don’t really want to make one. But to move forward and be happy I have to deal with it.

But I’m tired of feeling like I do. I can ride it out and wait until I feel differently but I don’t know if that will happen if I stay and do nothing.

I have had this idea of writing this wildly popular blog… I’ve tried different approaches, and it’s not that they haven’t worked out. It’s that I never put in the work. Maybe I place too much pressure on myself or maybe I don’t place enough. Regardless I just stop shortly after starting. I start off with all the right intentions, but intentions aren’t actions. And actions are what I am lacking. I can make the best plans to ease into it but it just doesn’t go as planned.

So here is to accepting that I might live a life where I hardly finish things. And to still try to be who you really want to be. But most importantly I’m accepting that I am me no matter what. My change is to meet my expectations and no one else’s. To be ok with the reality of life and to have strength to fight for what I want.

I’ve been trying to go to bed early and waking up earlier. It’s the only thing that’s been consistent for over a week. Yet I can’t sleep.

I’ve been trying to not binge it. It’s working. I also stopped eating after 7pm. Haven’t gained any weight. Eventually I’ll start meal prepping and eating healthier as well.

Thought I would do some meditation daily, that was a fail. I’ve done it twice maybe a third time. Ugh so I have to restart and keep trying.

This is week 2 and I wanted to start with stretches or one set of a few work outs…. that hasn’t happened. Tomorrow is thanksgiving so it probably won’t happen this week at all.

So I’m just going to keep trying and setting up new goals and eventually….hopefully…. I’ll get there.

As for this blog? I think the best thing for me to do would be to treat it as a journal, and write when the need appears.

There is so much to say, yet I don’t know how to voice it or where to start. I guess this was a start but it only shows one side. Oh well. Until next time.

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