Category: bipolar

What this is about

LivingInBlueLeave a comment

I made this blog because having bipolar or bipolar 2 are very lonely disorder/illness. Not everyone around you understands, heck some days I don’t understand. It will put a strain on most relationships.

I lucked out and have a great mom that accepts me as I am, and I do have a partner right now that’s trying. But I can’t go to my mom with details of how I feel she’s my mother first and will be worried. Why cause her distress when I can avoid it. I tried talking to my bf but I felt I left him confused and with a lot to think about.

I have no one to talk to about what I go through that just understands. That can listen without try to “help”. I end up searching the web for anything that talks about people going through the same thing. Just reading it makes me feel less alone. Makes me feel normal, well as normal I can be. Others are going through the same thing and they are ok. I haven’t found a support group, but to be honest I’m not good at sharing my feeling especially not in a group setting.

So this blog is my diary, my journal. How I feel about something at the moment. My poetry, whatever is going through my mind at the moment. just writing this feels like a weight lifted of my shoulders. So with all that said, the point is for me to express and share how I feel, and if I’m so luck to get a view that maybe it helps that person feel less alone too.

Lost spaces of time

LivingInBlueLeave a comment

It’s really scary not really being in your own head.

Like things happen and I know something is wrong

But I can’t put the story together as to how I go there

When did this happen

How long have I been lost for?

I feel so alone.

I may have people around me

But they don’t understand

They have their own side of this

A picture destroyed by actions

A flutter of a moment

And then it becomes harder

Harder than before to see me

My side doesn’t make so much sense

And more explanation are needed

But how can I explain something

I barely understand

I don’t know what’s going on either

I’m just feeling sad and dejected

Love and bipolar

LivingInBlueLeave a comment

You know what’s the worse thing about having bipolar?

Knowing that most relationships have a time limit.

A point of when the other person is done with you

They don’t understand you

They don’t believe you

They don’t know the difference between you and your bipolar

They don’t understand that sometimes they are the same person

They don’t understand how strongly we feel

How much we hurt

People say well you’ve hurt me

Guess that means I deserve to be hurt back

I’ve always known

That I would end up alone

I was completely fine with that

Until I met the person I thought would be there for ever and ever

But fairy tales are just that

Tales of things we broken people don’t have access to

So I will content myself with broken,alone, but at least free of judgement

Everyone says take your meds

But those that say that don’t know how we feel when we take them

Besides feeling sick constantly and the memory problems it causes

It makes me feel like someone else

Like the world is telling me I’m defective and need meds to help

This is my life, I might as well get use to it.

Bipolar

LivingInBlueLeave a comment

Bi-polar
2 little hyphenated words
It doesn’t take away from who I am
It does show sides that even I dont like
I cant always recognize myself
But bi-polar is a part of me
Yet it doesn’t define me

I am still me inside
Yet I am constantly judged by it
I am made to feel like a reject
Like my friendship doesn’t matter
Because i am not good enough

But I am good enough
my disorder makes me cranky
And sometimes mean
And although I dont mean it
I understand it still hurts
So i try to make amens
But its never enough

And yet again I am pushed aside
Bi-polar doesn’t take away from my feelings
It actually intensifies them
So when I dont feel accepted
Or that I’m worth taking a chance for
It shatters me from the inside out.

I could prove that i am good enough
If only I was given a chance
My compassion has no limits
My friends lack for nothing if i can help it
I keep secrets to the grave
And never judge anyone

But when the bipolar hits
Im no longer good enough again
So I have resigned myself
to the few friends i have
And that not many people
Will be added to my life

But I am good enough
My disorder doesn’t define me
I define me.

Dont feel sorry for my struggles
I feel sorry for you
And your lack of compassion
Of acceptance
Of being a good person

My heart is big
And my love is pure
But sometimes i turn cold
To not be burned anymore.

Nothing will ever define me
No one will ever define me.
I define me.

By unknown(me)

How I got here

LivingInBlueLeave a comment

I don’t know why it took me so long to get here…. I’ve always had much to say.

But then I would have a lot of nothing to say. On those times that I couldn’t talk I would write. No, not journaling(although I’ve always had one), but poetry.

Through my poems I found I had more to say than I thought. I thought I didn’t care about politics but my words told a different story.

Writing taught me I felt a lot more than I was willing to admit out loud. My poems taught me that I had a story to tell, but wasn’t ready to share.

For years I read, wrote, painted, collected whatever I could to keep my ever busy mind occupied. But nothing helped….

Let’s backtrack some, I was never the happiest person, I wasn’t the most trusting, but I always made my voice heard. All of this we will get back to at some other time, but for Now let’s move forward again.

I suddenly lost my voice, I didn’t know why. I couldn’t understand it. I was sad and kept crying and back then I hated tears because I though they showed weakness. I know better now. To cry shows more strength in your character, than to hold it in.

Now let’s get to the present.

All the confusion and tears and unhappiness(in my adult years) were about Bi-polar 2. I didn’t know at the time and then when I got diagnosed I was in denial like most people because there is this stigma about mental health.

So this long roundabout post is about me and the daily struggles of bipolar and other fun things, as well as how I live with it and keep trying to achieve my dreams.

Xoxo