Bipolar

Bi-polar
2 little hyphenated words
It doesn’t take away from who I am
It does show sides that even I dont like
I cant always recognize myself
But bi-polar is a part of me
Yet it doesn’t define me

I am still me inside
Yet I am constantly judged by it
I am made to feel like a reject
Like my friendship doesn’t matter
Because i am not good enough

But I am good enough
my disorder makes me cranky
And sometimes mean
And although I dont mean it
I understand it still hurts
So i try to make amens
But its never enough

And yet again I am pushed aside
Bi-polar doesn’t take away from my feelings
It actually intensifies them
So when I dont feel accepted
Or that I’m worth taking a chance for
It shatters me from the inside out.

I could prove that i am good enough
If only I was given a chance
My compassion has no limits
My friends lack for nothing if i can help it
I keep secrets to the grave
And never judge anyone

But when the bipolar hits
Im no longer good enough again
So I have resigned myself
to the few friends i have
And that not many people
Will be added to my life

But I am good enough
My disorder doesn’t define me
I define me.

Dont feel sorry for my struggles
I feel sorry for you
And your lack of compassion
Of acceptance
Of being a good person

My heart is big
And my love is pure
But sometimes i turn cold
To not be burned anymore.

Nothing will ever define me
No one will ever define me.
I define me.

By unknown(me)

How I got here

I don’t know why it took me so long to get here…. I’ve always had much to say.

But then I would have a lot of nothing to say. On those times that I couldn’t talk I would write. No, not journaling(although I’ve always had one), but poetry.

Through my poems I found I had more to say than I thought. I thought I didn’t care about politics but my words told a different story.

Writing taught me I felt a lot more than I was willing to admit out loud. My poems taught me that I had a story to tell, but wasn’t ready to share.

For years I read, wrote, painted, collected whatever I could to keep my ever busy mind occupied. But nothing helped….

Let’s backtrack some, I was never the happiest person, I wasn’t the most trusting, but I always made my voice heard. All of this we will get back to at some other time, but for Now let’s move forward again.

I suddenly lost my voice, I didn’t know why. I couldn’t understand it. I was sad and kept crying and back then I hated tears because I though they showed weakness. I know better now. To cry shows more strength in your character, than to hold it in.

Now let’s get to the present.

All the confusion and tears and unhappiness(in my adult years) were about Bi-polar 2. I didn’t know at the time and then when I got diagnosed I was in denial like most people because there is this stigma about mental health.

So this long roundabout post is about me and the daily struggles of bipolar and other fun things, as well as how I live with it and keep trying to achieve my dreams.

Xoxo